Diz's Journal

I kind of like being poor
Okay, I admit it. I watched The Apprentice tonight like millions of other sheep. It was fun too watch, good action and drama and everything nice for a television show. Then the end comes, and I’m just thinking, “Wow, all this hoopla over nothing.” There is nothing so vain that I can think of as the quest for wealth. Honestly, what is the point? One day you die, and if you leave behind kids, they’re spoiled rotten and will tramp around town like the fools that they are because they don’t know anything about family or love because you’ve wasted your whole life accumulating your wealth of which you took none to the grave. It was funny that they ran ads for a show about an earthquake that totally destroys the entire West Coast in the middle of a show that’s all about seeing how much you can amass and how tall and gaudy you can build a building and how skinny your exotic girlfriend can be.
Donald Trump has no doubt worked hard his whole life to get where he is today. He commands respect from everyone around him and from a staggering TV audience. But what is it all for? What has he done for people besides step on them? I don’t want to be someone who commands respect when I walk into a room, but rather someone who gives out respect to everyone I come in contact with. I don’t want to see how much money I can make, but how much money I can give away. The wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. It’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into Heaven. Store up your treasures in Heaven where moth and rust do not destroy. I kind of like being poor.
Driving home I felt so alone. I’ve been praying that God will make himself more real to me and help me to see the direction he wants my life to take.

Current Music: Lifehouse - Breathing

just be yourself
A friend of mine went thrift store shopping the other day. He spent $40, enough to buy tons of clothes I'm sure. While talking to me and a girl who wants to be an interior decorator, it's a cool, funny story, and I pick on him for buying bowling shoes. But later that night, a friend of mine asks him where's the school of the shirt that he's wearing. He doesn't have a clue, he just bought it at a thrift store. So from then on, the guy who doesn't realize a lot of college folk shop at thrift stores makes fun of the thing. And what do I do? I laugh right along. This is why I'm not bohemian. I do have cares, concerns, and my perception of how everyone thinks about me governs me. This isn't good. I must work on this. I think I'll do some thrift store shopping on my own.

"This is the circus. Everybody's trying not to go home. Nobody's saying goodbye."
-Almost Famous

Current Music: something Zeppelin, I don't own enough

Bohemia
I have this incredible fantasy of a bohemian lifestyle. It's all merely fantasy. There's too much at stake. Family to keep from letting down. Societal norms. Joni Mitchell captures it in "Urge For Going." At least she leaves it open enough for interpretation for me to believe in it and put my emotion fully into. I haven't met a girl that does it for me in so long. I need a nerd, someone with passion, someone who holds my interest. That all sounds selfish, so she should be interested in me. Even more selfish? No. If she's interested in me then her interests are the ones being fulfilled. I want to go to Bohemia. Not the real place, but that fictional Shangri-La where hippies, gypsies, and artists are happy. Minus the smell.

Current Music: kanye west - the college droupout (album)

i'm ba-ack
(this entry was originally a copy of something i had written by hand, but that didn't work)

so i haven't updated in a while. back at milledgeville, and things are slowly creeping back towards routine. i had hoped to get a minor in psychology, but due to bad advisement i realized that i still had some core stuff to do. i kept behavior analysis even though i don't need it, because it will help me with special ed. ok, i mainly kept it because there's a really cute girl in there who i hit it off with. things were going well, and then she had to go and cuss. that's so unattractive. i doubt anything will come out of it now other that friendship, but that's life.

i'm going to spend the weekened in atlanta to catch up with some old friends from tech. only problem is some decideed to travel this weekend too, so i'll have to make a trip back to see my roomate from fresman year before he graduates. speacking of tech, i got this from a website supa-fly (aka matt smsith of the real world new orleans, and my pa fresman year) made, and i liked it a lot. i don't agree with everything he says, but i loved this:

DON'T MISTAKE YOUR ABILITY TO INSPIRE LOVE WITH EMPOWEWRMENT AND LOVE.

southernplayalisticivicmusik
i want to do something noble. something meaningful. something profound. i had a reasonably eventful evening downtown tonight, and the excitement made me want to do something about it. i don't know if that's writing, photography, both, i don't know. there's just something about the human condition, something raw, poetic, real about street people. tonight's event got my heart pumping and intrigued. it's probably just a mood, but we'll see.

new years was funny. this female computer science major at my church was so pumped up about her new karaoke ps2 game and she kicked all of our butts at the dancing game (think nintendo power pad meets michael flatley's dance moves). we toasted to oh four with come cokes in glass bottles and cary and i attempted to do the worm. that boy's hilarious and definitely made my night. i'm glad he's stepped out of his shell since i left for tech so many years ago. i was going to cap off the night with my second annual new year's victory game of trivial pursuit, but with a 2 pie-piece lead over the closest challenger, a pillow bombed the board, overturning it and sending pieces under the funky couches and i called it a night.

GIRLS ARE smart MOMENT
yeah, i said smart. julie unscrewed the cap to the parmesan cheese right after they had had a conversation about doing that to salt shakers and the like, and raechel didn't check it before dumping half the container on her pizza. so maybe this just proves that girls are stupid...

Current Music: shake it like a salt shaker!

quotes
trapt "echo"
do I expect to change the past I hold inside,
with all the words I say repeating over in my mind,
somethings you can't erase no matter how hard you try,
an exit to escape is all there is left to find

bruce almighty
Bruce: How do you make someone love you without changing free will?
God: Welcome to my world.

read between the lines
Michael Jackson said that he was "manhandled" opposed to being "womanhandled" by police during his arrest last month, suffering injuries to his arms, including a dislocated shoulder that's some serious handcuffing, that continue to cause him pain. Jackson spoke with 60 Minutes' Ed Bradley on Christmas day in an interview that aired yesterday.
"I'm in pain all the time," Jackson said. "It keeps me from sleeping at night." um, no, that would be lack of teddykids. Jackson said that arresting officers placed handcuffs too tightly on his wrists causing swelling. did they get out the kiddie cuffs for your baby wrists too? i mean, at 120 pounds, your wrists can't be too big. CBS's Web site offers a photo of Jackson, believed to be taken after the arrest, with bruises on his wrist.

Jackson, 45, also accused authorities of trying to "belittle me, to try and take away my pride." waa, waa, waa. Among his charges was the accusation that he was locked into a restroom for approximately forty-five minutes. "There was doo doo, doo doo? did you pick that word up from one of your little friends? feces thrown who throws poop? all over the walls, the floor, the ceiling" he said. "Then one of the policemen came by the window and he made a sarcastic remark. He said, 'Does it smell good enough for you in there?' So I just sat there and waited."
-rolling stone -me

know what? i think he should claim insanity... i'd buy it!

went to dinner and watched bruce almighty with wendy tonight. i got caught up on all the camp gossip and got out of the house again. we had a great conversation, complete with me trying to convince her that she and lee are together and that no one spends hundreds of dollars on someone if they don't like them. well... maybe if they're stupid.

speaking of stupid, girls were pretty smart today. wait, this girl just imed me who has a lot of potential... nah, i can't make fun of her. she's too sweet.

Current Music: trapt - still frame

go to bed early
i didn't fall asleep until 6 am last night, so i'm going to bed early this time. people always tell me i look dead at church, so we'll try this.

eric's flight left atlanta at about 10 pm tonight, so he's over the ocean on his way to london. i'm excited for him, but at the same time, that's my baby brother. i know God's going to look after him though and i'm sure he'll have a wonderful time. they're marching in this huge london new year's parade. i'm afraid all 41 of them in the band are gonna make athens, georgia look like bumpkinville. at least they'll have better teeth doing it!

i realized tonight that i have never taken a trip for spring break that i can think of. i want to do something exciting this year. maybe a road trip or even fly somewhere. not sure what. any ideas or anybody wanna come along?

and now, another exciting GIRLS ARE STUPID MOMENT with a repeat performance by raechel!

Raechel: i can't wait to go to london
dizzymusik: i've been to the bahamas twice
dizzymusik: when are you going?
Raechel: oh i don't know, but if i don't go see jeremy at some point...i've just got to
Raechel: lol...my london "package" came, and my family made me open everything in front of them
dizzymusik: anything racey?
Raechel: well...i got bath stuff... and the names of some of them...well i didn't read the names out loud
Raechel: they insist that he's in love with me, but i swear he's not
Raechel: he actually likes some girl from Alabama
Raechel: but... it is nice having a guy across the ocean who likes to send you presents...nice presents
Raechel: :-P
Raechel: is that horrible?
Raechel: its not my fault he likes to buy me things....
dizzymusik: and you just made the girls are stupid comment again
Raechel: i guess i should be glad you didn't use my name

Iran Earthquake. wow.
Fortress of Bam before earthquake

after earthquake

Current Mood: blown away

jekyll/hyde
jekyll                                            hyde
musical ability                               self-doubt
intelligence                                    laziness
compassion                                  mnipulation
emotion                                        pessimism
faith                                              backsliding
wit                                                coarse joking
flirting                                           playing
honesty                                        bluntness
driving                                          lack of trust
work with kids                             work with family
imagination                                   insomnia
pop culture knowledge                 female celebrity body knowledge
writing ability                                writing anality
surviving my roommates               getting laughs or pity at their expense
ministry                                        corruption
jekyll                                            hyde

trivial pursuit
why doesn't anybody ever want to play me in trivial pursuit, or jeopardy, or any other game like it? i ended up beating my parents tonight, and they used the original version questions with pop culture stuff they would know.

santa was good. i got some pj's, a little wind suit thing that actually looks pretty decent. i'll probably never wear it as a set, but the pants and jacket are cool on their own. other than that i got a lot of money. a lot of money. eric got pirates of the caribbean, so we watched that... well until we all fell asleep. i made it 2 hours into the movie and missed the last 20. nice short little nap there. pretty good movie. oh, and the girl is gorgeous.

so i've had this back pain for a few days. at first i thought it was a kidney stone, then my back, then a kidney stone. now i think it's my back again. i got my mom a microwave for christmas, and i set it down funny one time, and i think that might be why my back has been bothering me. it doesn't hurt much at the beginning of the day, but after i get up and move around or sit in a bad position it starts hurting again. so that's dr. dean's latest diagnoses, i hurt my back.

oh yeah, almost forgot. apparently, a few years ago my grandmother gave some distant baby cousins some bonnets for christmas, and i made the comment "well if they get that, what do the boys get?" well, grandma, never to treat anyone unequally gave my brothers and i 2 baby bonnets, hot pads, a little crocheted doily and some pillow cases. all hand made of course. she's a nut. maybe us boys will have girls to use them.

hope everyone had a merry christmas. i know i'm blessed.

GIRLS ARE STUPID MOMENT
a friend of mine asked if i could call this section "girls are silly"
right...

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Music: Lenny Kravitz - It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over

unless you want a foot (we all we got!)
went to alpharetta tonight to see the former mayor's daughter. i'd really missed her, so it was good to see her. i hadn't been to her apt since may or even seen her since i was in the studio at the beginning of the semester, so it was great. i'm going to have to go back out there either before the end of the break, or right after class starts. eric and his fiancee (2 e's means woman) showed up and we went and tore the club up. ok, after 15 minutes of trying to decide we went to locos. kris and i chipped in cash, and eric put a little more than their meals on his credit card, covering the tip in the amount he told the guy to put on his card. we're assuming this pissed off the waiter, because after we had gotten out the door, he opened the door and shouted "i hope y'all have a good night." we couldn't tell if he was serious or not or if he was being sarcastic. i suggested eric and i go talk to him but the girls wouldn't let us, and i don't think eric had the balls to do it.

hanging out with eric reminded me how big a dork he is. he's all of like 6'4" or something. that's a big ol' dork. his girl's really light though, she wasn't hard to pick up, throw over my shoulder, and kidnap in hopes they would stay and hang out longer instead of going to bed like the old folks we are. they said something about having to wake up for work in the morning. please!

so kris and i watched 2 fast 2 furious because she owns it and it was just about the only one that wasn't a chick flick and that i hadn't seen. it was cheezy as expected, but there were some sweet rides and it made my drive home more fun. don't worry, my fear of tickets outweighs my desire to drive fast, but it doesn't keep me from weaving , blasting 95.5 the bea-ot, and doing generally retarded things that probably look more retarded in a civic sedan. (i know, i gotta stop saying retarded if i'm going to teach special ed, and yes, i said sedan because it sounds more domesticated than "4-door") the most fun i had was this spot on 120, right after a large intersection there's a short lane that's for people to merge from the the other road onto 120. i used it as a passing lane and redlined it in 2nd gear and got over in just enough time to spin 'em a little in 3rd. i followed a big ol' ford pickup all the way down 316 because there are so many friggin deer that i'd let him take them out for me.

GIRLS ARE STUPID MOMENT
courtney calling me when she and the guy who's got her whipped are in athens asking me if i "know where the carmike 12 cinemas on lexington road is, and if i know of any good places to eat." like i know my way around athens or something!

Current Mood: caffeinated
Current Music: murphy lee - wat da hook gon be

out of shape
who's the most out of shape person you know? that's right, you're reading him. i "worked out" tonight, which consisted of me fatiguing really quickly and my muscles are still shaking from it. i won't tell you how much i benched or curled, but let's just say i had to reduce the weight from where it was months ago, the last time i "worked out." i'm so pathetic. the last time i did pull ups i got a whopping 5. i used to be able to do 10 no problem. i used to race guys at camp up the rope without using feet.

what else am i pathetic at? christmas shopping. it's not that i have a problem with actually doing it, it's that i have no idea what to buy. money isn't an issue either apparently, cause i've already spent more than ever and i still have at least 2 more people to buy things for. hopefully people won't mind if i ordered something that won't be here by christmas.

so i was going to call up a buddy of mine who's a professional photographer to get him to shoot some photos so i could order some cds... yeah, he's gone to africa for 3 weeks. nothing like a safari and climbing kilimanjaro instead of the typical christmas stuff. another friend of mine is going to do mission work in nigeria with her family. speaking of which, i need to go write her a little something for the trip.

GIRLS ARE STUPID MOMENT
*.iph (where ph is the file extension for "idiot paris hilton") man, i just don't understand the attention.

Current Mood: shaking
Current Music: the quaking of my muscles

oh ye of little faith
nobody has any confidence in me or my own honesty when it comes to girls. this girl (i'm going to stop using names) wasn't interested in hanging out with me because i "like some girl named courtney." i don't like some girl named courtney, she's pretty content with the guy who's visiting her as i write this. and even if she didn't like him, we're friends, that's it, that's all it will be. this makes me sound like a defensive whiny little bastard, but i'm trying to be convincing and apparently i'm not. i mean, come on, my semester of not dating is over, don't you think i'd be pursuing something if something was there?!?

i got christmas gifts from the kids today. apparently, that's even a perk of being an after school program teacher (even one day a week). they weren't anything big, but it was cool getting to see the kids even though i wasn't their teacher today. i was stuck with some 4th and 5th graders who assumed that i'd let them get away with whatever. they listened to me a lot until the end, when this one kid got really frustrated and wanted to fight everybody.

newest update to my journal: the GIRLS ARE STUPID section. in it, i will capitalize on something stupid a girl has done during that day, or in the period since the last time i wrote. today's edition: some girl who attended my summer camp found my e-mail address somewhere and e-mailed me talking about how much she's missed me (i barely met the girl) and the different varsity sports that she's made the teams for. so yeah, she's like 8 years younger than me. can we say creepy? to quote this crazy old lady with half a brain that i work with "those are the kind of girls that get people in trouble." GIRLS ARE STUPID!

Current Mood: my feet are cold... literally
Current Music: ABBA - Dancing Queen (thanks, mr. henderson)

magazines and funner things
have i ever mentioned how cool it is to have tons of kids run up to you and give you hugs and beg you to be their "teacher" for the after school program?

i've discovered a lot of internet radio stations lately, and am still addicted to rollingstone.com videos. i've listened to a little bit of unedited hip hop. it's quite enlightening. the songs make so much more sense now that the words aren't missing. oh, and i'm blacker than my roomates in milledgeville, and they're all black.

while i was waiting on my allergy prescription to be filled at kroger (krgr: kroger radio!) today i picked up a national geographic and a men's health. i've decided men's health is basically a women's magazine for guys who are too insecure in their masculinity to pick up a cosmo. i'm guessing it has the same stuff: exercise, diet, relationship, and sex info. i've learned that i'm confident, not cocky. which i already knew. here's what men's health says:

confidence is looking her in the eye; cockiness is looking around the room. confidence is asking questions; cockiness is making statements. confidence is laughing at your own mistakes; cockiness is laughing at your own jokes. confidence is knowing that you're a smart and successful guy; cockiness is making sure she knows it within the first 5 minutes. confidence is shaving your head; cockiness is shaving your chest. and finally, confidence is not needing to ask in the first place.

it didn't say anything about shaving shoulders... hmmm.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Counting Crows - She Don't Want Nobody Near

the blast blasted blubber beyond all believable bounds
keiko (free willy) died.

"Keiko's apparent love of human company -- and his popularity -- frustrated handlers' dreams that he would one day leave them in search of food on his own. Millions of dollars were spent trying to teach him to survive, but he did not bond with other whales and died less than two years after he was freed."

millions?!? spend millions on education that matters, not the education of whale blubber. spend millions on hungry children. priorities people, priorities.

well hey, at least they know how not to get rid of his remains (you have to watch, it's one of the funniest things ever):
beached whale video

on a sad note: chili's is ending trivia on sunday nights. in it's place, golden girls night. i have no idea what that's about either. priorities people, priorities.

Current Music: Michael Jackson - Will You Be There (Free Willy song)

5 verses that kick my butt
Ephesians 5
1Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person--such a man is an idolater--has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

if i could follow these 5 verses, i'd be set. hint of sexual immorality? check. kind of impurity? i'm sure i could find plenty. obscenity? all too often. foolish talk or coarse joking? i think i wrote the book on that. thanksgiving? definitely lacking. and then the kicker: no immoral, impure or greedy person-such a man is an idolater-has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

here's a snippet of a song i wrote a few weeks ago and then i'm going to bed. maybe i'll tell the story that brought all of this up later. probably not. sorry for nothing funny, that's life sometimes.

oh no another fruitless day
i carve i mold, the wood and clay
forming idols to take your place
take them away

why am i walking in circles
when all i find is always the same
the same path still leads me to nowhere
nothing to show for and nothing to gain

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: oscillating ceramic space heater

CDaholic dreamin'
monday i bought dido and nelly furtado's new cds. last night i ordered 5 cd's from bmg (outkast's greatest hits thingy, lenny kravitz greatest hits, trapt, three days grace, and brad paisley's new one). and then there's my trip to wal-mart tonight. courtney dragged me there because this stalker guy works there and she's too chicken to tell him to stop calling her, etc. after about 10 minutes of her looking through the cheap watches for one that was "cute," i reverted to the cd section and picked up the colplay live cd/dvd combo and the new default. i'll have a lot of music to listen to when i get bored over the holidays, that's for sure.

i was looking through all the old lyrics of songs that i've written and posted on here, and decided that these songs have to be heard. i'm going to shoot photos and order cds over break, and then when i get back to milledgeville, i have to start playing places. i have to try this music thing. it's been a dream, and dang it, i'm tired of dreaming about it without trying anything. y'all gotta hold me to it and make me play gigs. and when i get cds ordered, you gotta sell them or give them to your friends, whatever it takes to get the name jason dean out there.

i had a business idea today. i'm gonna put a card in every cd that says "i helped launch jason dean's career" and sign it. except i gotta make it more self-deprecating so that people laugh at it. something like "i bought this cd and helped jason dean buy 10 packs of ramen noodles." so it'll be funny, but it'll also be something they can be proud of when i am famous, 'cause apparently there are a lot of people who think that i could be. they tell me that all the time anyway. we'll see what happens. that's all for now, i think i'm gonna get outta here, get some sleep, take one more final, and then ship out for athens. i haven't been home in over 2 weeks, crazy huh?

later crocodile

bonus baybee
ooh, two posts in one day, i'm in a writing mood:

"i am not afraid"

i am not afraid to cry
i am not afraid to run
i am not afraid of failing
i am not afraid of love

oh mom i see you crying
i've let you down with what i've done
i'm sorry for falling
i am not a chosen son

i don't claim to be a hero
i don't claim to be a saint
i just claim to be forgiven
i just claim the gift of grace

oh God i see you crying
i've let you down with what i've done
i'm sorry for falling
i am not a chosen son

in the truth and light
we are al made white
we can all find grace
no matter time or place
in your life

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: jason dean - am not afraid... duh!

hush that fuss
so i'm an avid reader of rolling stone news briefs, and today they announced that rosa parks' case against outkast has gone to the supreme court where they ruled that it could not be thrown out and will be heard by a lower court. isn't this the way you want to view a 90 year old civil rights hero? fighting a black rap duo over a silly song about getting crunk? come on rosa, hush that fuss.

so a buddy of mine in athens used to always ask me if i'd seen an episode of seinfeld, to which i would tell him i never watched seinfeld and then he'd remember i didn't. i watched 2 episodes today. it's pretty funny stuff, maybe after a few more reruns i'll be able to relate to what he's talking about. stop laughing, i don't ever watch network tv. ask me about anything on mtv or vh1; i've seen it.

so the guy who does the kfc commercials, jason what's his name, his character had a problem with telling women that he liked them too soon and ruining his chances with them. why is relationship stuff so funny? because everyone feels deficient. everyone IS deficient. that's the beauty of it all. you like someone, you overlook their flaws and you find it cute when they screw up. especially when they're trying to impress you. ladies, don't you find it adorable when a guy tries so hard but is clueless about something? fellas, don't you feel special when a girl can't do something technical or car related and you can jump in there and do it for her? here's to the guy spilling food on his clothes on a first date and not knowing how to eat pasta politely. here's to showing a girl how to check her oil. here's to the guy who doesn't have a clue how to dress or decorate his apartment. here's to fixing a girl's computer. haha, doesn't that sound manly? fixing a computer!

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Current Mood: quixotic
Current Music: some opera in a nissan commercial

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